Happy Attack
by Howling1
Summary: After Dilbert reflects on how work has been worse than usual lately, he is shocked to find a happy Catbert actually serving the employees’ needs. Dilbert needs to get to the bottom of this ... and soon, for the FBI is coming to investigate. ON HIATUS
1. Futility

Disclaimer: I don't own the Dilbert comic. Nor do I own the TV Show, upon which this story is slightly based. I'm not intending to do this for a profit. Please don't sue. Super pretty please?

* * *

_BRRRIINNG!!!_

Dilbert groaned and rolled over in his bed. Monday already? How can that be? Saturday had just started. Forget his job; he needed his sleep. And how could —

_BRRRIINNG!!! BRRRIINNG!!! __**BRRRIINNG!!!**_

"Are you going to stay there all day? Because, you know, it might be an improvement."

Granted, Dilbert thought, it was kind of hard to get back to sleep with an alarm clock blaring off behind him and his white, egg-shaped dog leaning expectantly in front of him. Dilbert groaned again and sat up, finally dragging himself out of bed long enough to put on his robe and descend downstairs to the kitchen table, where he fixed himself a nice big breakfast — of a single bagel.

"Since when is it so hard to get up?" Dogbert asked, sitting in a chair facing Dilbert and leaning toward him with his elbows on the table. "Did you have a wild party night, or what?"

"Hey, don't even joke about that," Dilbert said sternly, pointing his knife at Dogbert and accidentally getting some butter on his own glasses. Wiping them off, he sighed and continued, "It's just that ... I don't know ... work really hasn't been that enjoyable lately."

"It's not supposed to be," Dogbert immediately responded. "I would think that you would know that by now, because this is what — your eleventh year there?"

"Twelfth," Dilbert groaned. "...and I mean, it's been worse than usual lately at work. And it's not just for me; it's for everyone! Even Asok, who's normally really calm and controls his temper, blew up at Alice when she jammed the copier machine. Of course, after she had stuffed the copier into his mouth he had second thoughts ..."

"I still think you're making a mountain out of a molehill," Dogbert replied, jumping down off the chair and making for the living room. Before he left the kitchen, though, he turned back to Dilbert and smirked, "Of course, you know what will happen if you actually start to _enjoy_ work ... _don't_ you?"

That took Dilbert's appetite clean away. He closed his mouth and put down the remaining bite of his bagel.

He did indeed know what would happen if he was happy at work. Besides the fact that the apocalypse would probably occur, he would also be visited by the FBI. It had happened once before; therefore it could happen again, Dilbert reasoned. He sat back in his chair, reclining, allowing the unhappy memories to flood back...

* * *

"Dogbert! Come quickly!"

Dilbert was sitting at his desk, mixing chemicals with the help of his trusty computer, and he was very excited about something.

"You rang?" Dogbert groaned, sitting in a chair opposite Dilbert.

"I've identified the brain chemical that controls happiness!" Dilbert exclaimed, typing feverishly on his keyboard. He twisted around to face Dogbert, and grinned, "_and_ I found the exact mix of fruit and vegetable juices that stimulate its production."

"Okay ... that's great. So what happens now?"

"Dogbert!" Dilbert cried, exasperated. "Don't you realize what this means?"

"Yeah," Dogbert responded, without any emotion whatsoever. "Fruits and vegetables will be banned by the government."

Dilbert froze, his fingers hovering over the keyboard as he turned his head slowly toward Dogbert. "...What?" he asked slowly.

Dogbert just smirked and jumped off his chair, going into the kitchen.

It was at that precise moment, ominously enough, that the doorbell rang.

Dilbert jumped, his hair standing on end. Scolding himself as he ran down the hallway to answer the door, he pulled it open to find —

FBI agents.

"We're the government," one said immediately, holding up his hands: in one was an FBI badge; in the other, a gun. "We came to confiscate your so-called 'happiness drug'."

"Wait a minute — wait —" Dilbert spluttered as the agents forced their way in, all the while pointing their guns at Dilbert. "What — how on earth did you find out and get here so fast?"

"We're the FBI," the other agent said simply.

"Good point," Dilbert muttered, then suddenly found a gun muzzle jammed into his nose as the two agents backed him into a wall. "Where is it?" the first asked. "Where's the drug?"

"It's — it's not a drug!" Dilbert protested as the gun was forced deeper into his nose. "It's just a mixture of fruits and vegetables that makes you feel happy! You can't outlaw good nutrition!"

The other agent paused, then muttered to himself, "Hmmm ... I guess that wouldn't make sense, would it?"

The first agent slapped him. "Ignore him," he said to Dilbert, "he's a new guy. Tell you what, Dilbert, I'll make you a deal. Erase all the formulas for making your 'happiness potion' and we won't jail you."

He gestured with his gun toward Dilbert's computer.

"Okay, okay..." Dilbert muttered angrily, sitting down and pulling up the files. The agents glanced at them for a moment, then Dilbert began deleting the files. As he did, the agents explained, "You citizens only have the right to _pursue_ happiness; you're not allowed to _be_ happy. Citizens need discomfort in order to be productive."

Dilbert finished clearing away the files and spun around in his chair. "Then you'll love this."

Unbeknownst to the agents, Bob the Dinosaur had crept out of his hiding place in the closet and was now behind them. Quick as a flash, he raised their trenchcoats and pulled on their underpants, giving agent each a vicious wedgie. Bob lifted the two hollering agents off the floor and spun them in the air ("This is my newest maneuver, the 'twirling wedgie'," he explained to a grinning Dilbert), finally flinging them out the door. Dilbert heard a loud crash and then the sound of a car engine sputtering to life as the two agents pulled away.

* * *

Dilbert laid his knife down and sighed again. He could never truly be happy at work, because he'd get arrested. And he couldn't be happy _without_ work, because then he would have no money. What was the point of it all? Why should he keep trying? Where was the meaning? What was the purpose of everything — of life?

He looked down at his breakfast. Maybe the meaning of life is eating bagels, he thought. That thought cheered him up slightly, and he stuffed the bagel into his mouth. Then he put away the dishes, showered and changed, and headed off to work.


	2. Mysteries

"Good morning, Wally."

"Is it really?" said Wally, looking up from his magazine and glancing round the office. "Huh. I thought it was just an average one."

"I just meant — oh, never mind," Dilbert sighed, and continued on to his cubicle. Next door was Alice; she stood up and leaned on the wall to talk to Dilbert. "Did you get those product specs?" she asked, as Dilbert unlocked his suitcase and began sorting through his papers.

"Not yet," Dilbert groaned, "I haven't talked to Catbert."

"Well, you should do it today," Alice responded. "The Boss wants the purchase orders by Friday. And you know how long it takes for Catbert to get things."

"He does it on purpose," Dilbert said angrily, "just to make us suffer. I don't think it's right."

"Of course it's not right," said Wally from the hallway, leaning on the cubicle doorway. "But it gives him job satisfaction, so why shouldn't he do it?"

"Because it comes at the expense of others!"

Wally stared at Dilbert, blinking. "I'm not following your reasoning..."

"Forget it," Dilbert said angrily, shoving past Wally, "I'm just going to go talk with him."

He walked down the hallway, fuming silently. Around him the normal sounds of the office came from various cubicles: the ring of a telephone, the hum of the copy machine, the "**GOOD MORNING, CAROL!**" coming from Loud Howard two hallways away...

"Oh, hey, Asok," said Dilbert, as the young intern stepped out of the bathroom where his cubicle was located. "How's it going?"

"Hello, Dilbert," Asok said quietly. "I would like to apologize for my actions yesterday."

Dilbert blinked. "Um, thanks, but it's really Alice you should be apologizing to. She's the one you blew up at."

"Yes," said Asok, "but I can't come within six feet of her or she'll stuff the copier into my pants. That's what she says. Could you just deliver the message?"

"Sure, Asok," replied Dilbert, "no problem. What made you so angry yesterday anyway?"

"I do not know," sighed Asok. "There seems to be something in the air. Something besides the asbestos. Everyone is normal in the morning, but after an hour or so here they have turned into bitter, resentful maniacs. Even more so, I mean."

"You think we're all breathing in hate and fury?" Dilbert had to smile.

"Perhaps," said Asok. "Or maybe I'm insane. I think the latter is more likely."

Dilbert nodded and continued on. Soon he had reached the door to Human Resources. It wasn't the most welcoming of doors: For one thing, it had fire and brimstone surrounding it; for another, it had a sign on it that said ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE.

Dilbert stumbled around the smoke, coughing, and knocked. Instead of the usual, evil-sounding "What do you want?" that he had come to expect, however, he heard, "Ah, come in, come, come! The more the merrier!"

Somewhat puzzled, Dilbert walked in. What he saw astounded him: Catbert had transformed his office. Instead of an obstacle course, a human scratching post, and assorted furniture, he had a couch, an indoor swimming pool (which he was currently swimming in) and a martini bar. "Help yourself, Dilbert!" Catbert said genially, gesturing toward the bar.

Dilbert hesitantly walked over and poured himself a Dr. Pepper. He sniffed to make sure it hadn't been poisoned, found no trace, and drank deeply. It was very satisfying.

"Now then," said Catbert, climbing out and drying himself off, "what can I help you with?"

"Catbert?" said Dilbert uncertainly, sitting down in front of the HR director. "Are you feeling all right? This isn't a trick, is it?"

"Of course not, my good man, of course not!" Catbert laughed, slapping Dilbert heartily on the back. Dilbert froze, expecting to feel claws penetrating his skin, but apparently Catbert had trimmed his nails. "And I've never felt better, my friend, never better!"

"Um ... that's ... great!" said Dilbert, smiling also. "I, uh, just came to ask about those new product specs. Did you —"

"Not to worry, Dilbert, not to worry," Catbert smiled, and he jumped onto his desk, grabbed a paper and handed it to Dilbert. "I've already taken care of them. And by the way, how would you like a new printer?"

"Oh! Um, okay," said Dilbert, examining the specs. "Are you sure?"

"Certainly, it's not a problem, my good man, not a problem at all," said Catbert. "Do you need anything else?"

"Um, no, I think you've about covered it," said Dilbert, standing up again. "Thank you."

"No, my friend, thank you!" laughed Catbert as he escorted Dilbert out. "And by the way, tell all the employees they'll be receiving new laptops. And this time they won't be chained to the desks!"

"I'll deliver the message," called Dilbert as he stepped out. He stumbled, almost burning himself on the fire. "Whoa!"

"Oh, dear!" said Catbert, surveying the brimstone. "This simply will not do. I'll have to bring in a new designer ... I'm thinking flowers and neon..."

Muttering to himself, Catbert closed the door. Dilbert strode a safe distance away from the fire, then blinked and turned around.

"What on earth just happened?" he asked himself. He examined the product specs. "These are the most accurate I've ever seen!" He looked back up to see Catbert coming back out; he had a pail of water and he splashed it all around, extinguishing the fire. "Catbert's acting rational ... he's being nice ... he's redesigning the office and helping the employees...This _has_ to be a trick!"

He watched as Asok approached Catbert. The intern was shivering nervously; his interactions with HR always ended badly. "Catbert, I was simply wondering if you could —"

"Ah, hello, Asok!" Catbert exclaimed cheerfully. "How would you like to come in for a swim? Or perhaps you'd like a martini? Anything you want!"

Asok was dumbfounded. "Anything ... I ... want?"

"Why, of course!" said Catbert, pulling Asok in. "We'll start with a nice margarita ... have you ever had one? They're simply delightful..."

Catbert closed the door again, and Dilbert gasped. "It's _not_ a trick! Catbert's changed! Either that or he's been replaced by an alternate twin. I wonder..."

He headed back to his cubicle and called to Alice. "Here are the specs," he said, handing them over to her cubicle.

"He just _gave_ them to you?" said Alice, rising from her chair and taking the paper, dumbfounded. "Didn't make you wait or anything?"

"He already had them ready!" said Dilbert. "Not only that, but he's redesigned his office, giving the employees free drinks, and letting them have turns in his swimming pool!"

"This I have _got_ to see," said Alice, heading down the hall.

Dilbert wasn't the only one Catbert treated well: Throughout the day every employee came to his door, and Catbert gave every one anything he wanted. Nothing seemed to make the cat happier than making his employees happy. He was doling out new computers, new software, printers, copiers, scanners, anything anyone asked him for. He was acting so rational that several times Dilbert had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. But it was for real: Catbert had changed.

"Was that the most amazing day at work or what?" said Alice, as she, Dilbert and Wally walked down to the parking lot together after work. "He let us out at five o'clock! That's never happened before!"

"Yeah," said Wally, staggering slightly under the weight of all the new things Catbert had given him, "I don't know what to make of it."

"Who cares what we make of it?" said Alice happily, throwing all her stuff into her car trunk. "It doesn't matter to me if he's gone crazy, if he's had a brain transplant or if he's just decided to be nice. I'm gonna get all I can get while I can get it!"

"Yeah, but ... what do you think the Boss makes of this?" said Dilbert, as he slammed his trunk shut. "I doubt he'll be pleased."

"So?" said Wally. "Catbert can overrule him. Human resources has that power."

"Yeah, but I doubt he'll be in HR much longer if he keeps this up," said Dilbert. "Once the guys upstairs figure out what he's doing, he'll be fired for sure."

"Which is why you need to get all you can get while you can get it," said Alice, starting up her car. "See you guys tomorrow!"

* * *

To be continued ... review please? 


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